Dread

Guess what? Been having weird dreams again. Think it was last Wednesday night when I dreamt about the death of some people close and dear to me.

First up concerns Sandra. This isn’t the first time. Occasionally, I’ll have this nightmare of her getting involved in an automobile accident. It’s always either her being mowed down or that she was in a car when it crashed. This time it was near town. Outside heeren when it happened. A car just cane up onto the bizarrely empty pavement and crashed straight into her. I can’t recall the details; all I can recall was the resonating low deep thud. There wasn’t any other noise, no screeching of tires, no screaming pedestrians, just the impact between the car and Sandra. Just a low, slow, deep thud and it started drizzling. Nobody went forth to help, nobody was milling around either. It was as if I was watching a lousy, sick movie. Seeing everything but unable to help at all. There wasn’t anyone at all. Orchard road never felt so cold and empty.

The second dream concerned the entire class. We were hanging out and waiting for a bus outside Celia Loe, Capitol Building. All of us were in our street clothes and we were just chattering among our individual cliques. Then, something weird happened. Christine took out a cigarette from her green Espirit bag and started fagging. Everyone knows that she doesn’t smoke and yet, nobody was surprised when she actually did. I remember walking up to her and saying “What are you doing? I didn’t know you smoke!” to this she replied, “Why can’t I? I like it.” Here, I walked up to her, took the cig and snuffed it out on my left palm before saying, “No you don’t! You only THINK you like it” Then there was this slow mo view of the cigarette falling slowly from my palm to the asphalt. When it hit the ground, columns of flames just shot out and consumed every one of us, the entire class died with the twisted expressions of pain. You would think that everyone was screaming in agony, they did, except that there was total silence. Everyone died silently with twisted, contorted expressions of pain, pain from being burnt alive. Somehow, as everyone was burning, I became detached again. From talking to them and extinguishing the cigarette, I was plucked from that dimension into another. I just stood there and watched. I know I should panic and freak out, but I didn’t. Just stood there and watched the expression of every body as they went up in flames.

Lastly, dreamt that I was about to retire for the night when my hand phone rang nearing midnight. It was Sheila. Over the line, she was laughing hysterically for a good minute before calming down, in between gasps for air; she told me that she needed to see me immediately. The next thing I know, the scene cut into that of an alleyway. Met her behind a bar in a dark alley, she was there laughing and crying at the same time, kind of like how she sounded the other time when she found out Liray cheated on her. She just came over, gave me a short brief hug and asked me to sent her home. And I did just that. On the ride back, she thanked me for coming and we were pretty much silent for the rest of the ride. Smsed her the next day to find out what actually happened, din get any replies. Tried continuously for two days until I got worried enough to call her on her mobile. Her line was terminated. Called her at home, that line was terminated too. Somehow managed to track her new address down went there to find that they shifted out. The creepy thing was that I actually went looking for her aunt. Once while we were taking the same bus back from school, she pointed out where her aunt lives, some apartment behind Nus. This particular detail has totally evaded my mind until this dream. Suddenly, something that I’ve never made an effort to remember just pops right back into place. Anyway, I dreamt that I actually went down to that particular apartment block and searched door-to-door looking for her aunt. Somehow, at that time, that was my only clue left, the only sensible thing to do. I mean, her aunt’s got to know where they shifted to right? They’re family after all. So I just knocked on every door that I came across, they never seem to end. The entire corridor felt like a gaping, yawning hole. No matter how many doors I’ve tried, the end of the corridor never comes into view. The end seems to go on and on around a corner and no matter how hard I tried, I never seem to knock on the right door.

Pretty much woke up at this point in time. Know what? I still can’t put a finger to what’s exactly so disturbing about those dreams. Maybe it’s the feeling of dread in all three of them. The feeling of being near and yet so helpless. The feeling that you’re so not in control. For Sandra’s case, it’s like we have her dying and bleeding right before your very eyes, but you can’t do any fucking thing about it. You want to help, you’re screaming to help and yet something’s holding you back physically. The feeling of helplessness is so bad that I’m sure if I should break free from the invisible binds and try helping her, my hands will only pass straight through her. This didn’t happen in my dream, but the sense of frustration felt there and then somehow told me this is how it’ll turn out.

Maybe it’s the sense of disgust I have of myself. Like in the second dream, I actually stood there watching and observing every individual person’s face as they went up in flames. Somehow the various contortions seemed to amaze me, so much so it was amusing. Highly entertaining even. Why I am I feeling like this? They are nice people, people I like! People who means a lot to me! Does this dream reflect that… That somewhere deep inside me, I actually want them dead? But I don’t, not in my current state of mind. I’m sane now, I know I like them. Why would a part of me want them dead? This is disturbing… can we actually hate some one we love without knowing it? So much so that we subconsciously want them dead?

As for the third dream, I think it’s just an indication of me loathing not having control over stuff in live. I recall clearly the general feeling during the dream was that I hated her. Hated her for disappearing on me, leaving behind such a huge mystery. Why did she want to meet me? Why was she crying? Why was she laughing like a maniac? Why did she leave Singapore? Who does she think she is? Leaving like that? Without a word. How can she do this to people who care for her? Who the hell does she think she is? Basically, I was angry. Angry that I was left hanging, like an idiot. Maybe it also goes to show how much we have grown accustomed to some of our friends. So much so that, we can’t imagine a life without them. So much so that when they disappear, I’m so lost as to what to do. So lost that I flared up. How? Why? All these questions stemming from confusion, hurt and disappointment just surged up and you get totally mad at that person. Mad that they have to subject you to so much pain and anguish.

Grace!

Met up with some of the peeps from A21 on Saturday. They had dinner at crepes and cream, Heeren. Yup, kind of quiet if you asked me. Only Kings, Kok, Aaron, Kenny, Pearly and Baoz turned up. Yours truly was late, only got there when they finished. Walked around a bit after that, Baoz lost her phone, so she went to cancel her line. Din come back after that. *Shrugs* don’t know what’s wrong with her, doesn’t talk to me anymore. Ended up at Starbucks near California Fitness. Waited for Grace, Lim and Fel there. Hahaha. My goodness the already thin grace’s pencil thin now. Scary man. Looks as if you can break her into two easily. Hahaha. Hanged around a while till everyone showed up, then headed to the Somerset Bar. It’s a great place to chill inside Raffles City, Westin Hotel to be exact. They had a live band! Goody! Haha pretty much just chitchat until Grace’s parents came to pick her up, half an hour ahead of scheduled. Naturally she was pissed, if you asked me, she looks as if she going to cry on us. Thank goodness Felicia said something, which made her stopped. Love that girl, she always know when to say what. Hahaha. Volunteered to pay for Gracie’s drink, should have seen how she reacted. I don’t know, there was something about her reaction that was a little sad, she went “Erm, oh no! Tell me what to do. This has never happened before!” Hey, do you meant to say no one has ever paid for your drinks? Or stuff? Have you never gone out on dates? It feels sad, she seems to be living such a different life. Hers seems so serious, focused, without room for trivialities. She told me once that ballet’s her life. Saturday really goes to reaffirm that. Meeting her later for lunch. Hope all goes well before she flies back to Aust.

Hmmm

“She’s not crazy, just highly intelligent! It’s not the same!”

Heard that line over TV. From a cartoon. Remarkable how cartoons can be so adult based these days. Like in the Power puff Gals, they were saying something about being created due to an accident, and their class mate went “Me too, Mommy said I was an accident too!” Haha, anyway I digressed.

The line’s rather accurate man, it’s always the geniuses that behaves queerly and are always taken as lunatics. Think it’s the brilliance in them that people find unacceptable, so much so that simpletons simply dismiss geniuses as lunatics. Hahaha, I’ve always been known to behave in crazy weird ways…. Ahhhh, perhaps, just perhaps, there is hope for me yet.