I Can’t Take This Anymore

Sheila’s friend, Char once wrote and I quote:

“And no matter how much I might want to pursue the friendship, its difficult when the other hand is cold and rather unresponsive. It’s like, hitting your head against the wall again and again with repeated attempts to break it. And each time, it doesn't really hurt but more like bounces back. Ok, so it’s a rubber wall. But nonetheless, it’s a wall. I have a rough idea of what's going on, and why he's behaving that way. But... is there something that I can do?”

That was eons ago. But I dug it up and share (without her permission) with all of you out there. I’m sorry, but this is how I feel now.

Really. It’s like playing squash in the pitch darkness. So dark you can’t even see your own fingers extended in front of you. Then a blinding floodlight hits down on you. Illuminating and engulfing in you in a small circle of blinding piercing white light. You start picking up the balls one by one from the bucket near your feet and send em flying at the wall. Only...

Only… they never ever come back. Never. And yet you dare not give up, just standing there, straining eyes, hoping to see a glimpse of something returning. And before long, you start straining your ears too. Hoping to at least hear the balls making contact with the wall.

All these while you never quit sending the balls out. And yet… yet… it feels like you’re hitting them into the abyss. An abyss of unresponsiveness and coldness.

Coldness of the unfeeling heart.