Blues.

Finally worked out what’s bothering me. Rather surprised it took so long, considering it happens on and off. Guess you could call it cyclical depression; it comes on with out any apparent reasons. During which I’ll feel angry, and easily agitated. I’ll feel that I could do with more attention, and for once people can treat me better. And the worst of all? It gets really disappointing when people close to you can’t tell and ironically, it’s people whom you don’t meet regularly (if at all) that could tell that you’re so upset. People whom you only see online, ppl like Mel, Mich and Christine. How? Why? Why is it the ones closer to you, and whom you care so much about are so blind?

Been joking to some that it’s “that time of the month” for Mike.

Sandra says it sounds tiring. It is.

Maybe I cared too much, gave too much of myself to others. Cared a little here, asked a little there, listened a bit more here and it all adds up. You feel empty and drained as it accumulates over time. After a while, it gets back to you with a loud resounding WHAM and you ask yourself why nobody bothers to do the same for you. When you gave so much, the emptiness you feel at the end of it isn’t something you can brush off and recharge with a good night sleep.

Yea, it’s only genuine concern when you don’t expect anything in return you say? Well, when I’m giving, I don’t expect any “repayment”, expecting something back in return is never on my mind. I give because I can, if I can make someone happier, if I can make someone smile a little wider, laugh a little louder, why not? Wanting something back in return is definitely not on my mind. Christine says we’re all human, and it is our nature to want our friends to take the effort to care and bother about you once in a while.

And it is precisely this feeling that I am clueless as to how to deal with. Especially so when it comes at one shot, after it had snowballed and accumulated over time. This expectance of something in return is killing me slowly, eating me from the inside out.

Maybe that’s why every time I hang out with Vania; she says I look bored and tired. Maybe, after spreading the joy and expending my energy all around, I have very few, if any, left for myself. And I withdraw into this solemn and somber shell instinctively. And when these emotions (or lack of it) spill over, I become easily agitated, grouchy and depressed. I become Anal Retentive Mike.

This phase comes and goes but while it is around, it’s highly distracting and disruptive. (Girls, this sounds familiar?)

But I have to give thanks nonetheless for gems that shine in these times. People like Sheila and Christine. Guess what? They didn’t do much. They just listened. Well to be fair, it’s not really the listening part. It sounds a bit psychic, but with these two friends, it’s really special. Met Sheila at Antipodean just a few weeks back, and by simply standing there with her and looking down onto the streets of Holland V, I felt much better already. She had headaches of her own and mine seemed so trivial compared to hers. Naturally, mine wasn’t brought up that often, but somehow…. Just seeing her sorta made it all well again (for a short while). Likewise for Christine, we weren’t talking abt my problem, not trying to make good, not trying to solve the problem, not trying to fix anything. Just chitchatting abt trivial stuff like Chinese New Year shopping, school and stuff like that. I can’t remember what we talked abt too, if you ask for details now… but somehow, these two person whom I rarely see always manage to make me feel better. Simply by… being there.

Perhaps, it's the positive CHAKRA they emit.