Acid Pills by The Observatory

acid pills
twice a day
down to half a pack of smokes a day
have a drink or two
when i've quit a few
watch the habit catch up with you

give me hope
take me home
gently rub my back i may breathe shallow
i never know these things
i'm afraid of things
yes i might have blown a fuse or two you know

maybe now
i may rest
turn the sound of hustle-bustle off
i've always made mistakes
it's just my mental state
watch the fear it keeps up with you

some days are hard to get by

Loop

No mood to mug anymore. Can’t sleep either.

No idea why, but for her, I felt damn guilty.

Can’t Get You Out Of My Head.

Post exams syndrome has already gotten to me. I keep hearing two songs in my head.

“All I wanna do” by Shirlyn of Unxpected and “Tarot Cards” by Alph F.I.R

It’s driving me nuts!

God Speaks

God speaks to me through the weirdest and most unexpected channels. Was talking to Vivien last night. She asked me to look within me for the reasons I behave like I do. She mentioned that we should never blame others and external factors and look to them for justification of our actions.

Thought about it the whole night.

What she said does make sense.

I guess… I am emotionally needy too. And I hide that by masking myself with callousness. Ironic isn’t it? Been mocking at another who’s been behaving really emotionally needy lately, but at the end of the day. We actually share the same problem.

I do not want to feel vulnerable.

I thought it was a good thing to recognize that and subsequently try to suppress that. I refuse to behave like a love sick puppy. And I guess the conflict comes when I care but tell myself in vain that I ought not to.

This is not the shape of my heart.

ABCs

A is for the name of someone I knew some months back. Would like to know her better though.

B is for Bombay Sapphire Gin. My current favorite poison.

C is for Christine! We call her Peanut. My best friend.

D is for Dumbass. Been called that a lot lately. Not that I mind…

E is for Effeminate. *flicks wrist and flutter eyelashes* Enuff said.

F is for Francis Goh. My best friend and brother in Christ during my jail army days.

G is for GOD. Keeper of my heart, watcher of my soul. The one who holds the stars of the heavens in the palm of his hands.

H is for Hotate (scallop) sushi. Love that. Could polish off plates in a row. Loves them fresh and crunchy.

I is for Inadequacies. I have my share of them. Recognizes most of them. Which makes things easier.

J is for Jazz. One of my favorite genres of music. Digs Claressa Monteiro and Diana Krall.

K is for Kids. Want two. Guy and Girl. Constantine and Nefertina.

L is for Lady Fingers. Others hate it. But I adore it.

M is for Mike. “It is mine. For I cannot have another.” The Crucible ~ Arthur Miller

N is for Numnut. A nick name I’ve given to a study buddy. Stay funky always!

O is for Oscar Wilde. Favorite Author. Epitomizes the male rogue.

P is for Purple Haze. Cover by Ozzy Osbourne and Lenny Kravitz. Wailing guitar is almost orgasmic.

Q is for Queer. Some people find me queer. Guess what? I find myself queer too.

R is for Rethinking. I need some time to rethink who I am. Before I lose any more people close to me.

S is for Sandra! My lil sister. Been there for me every time I need her. Love her like a real sister.

T is for Temper. A demon I fight daily. See also Tongue. Which shoots off faster than my head. Combination of both will ultimately lead to my downfall.

U is for Uterus. Something I don’t have.

V is for Vivien. A friend from IT1101E. Aspire to be like her. Servant of God.

W is for Wala Wala. Bestest place to chill and socialize!

X is for X’mas. Favorite holiday of the year.

Y is for Yelling. Something I do and almost immediately regret.

Z is for Zoo. Promised to go with Sandra. Promised since forever. Hope to make good my promise soon.

Sing Me A Song

Yvonne’s celebrated her birthday over the weekend. Had a small party with the gang over the weekend. Jason, Serene, Alphania, Yvonne and Me! Haha. It was pretty fun! First time in a ktv place for me.

Thank God they didn’t make me sing. Wouldn’t want them to be emotionally scarred for life would we?

Jason and I left to buy cake. “To the toilet,” we said.

OMG, you wouldn’t believe how hard it was to find a nice cake in town. Walked all the way from Cuppage Plaza to Taka. Journey to the west. For cake! Not scriptures! Hahaha.

“The toilet door got stuck!” “Hope you like the CHOCOLATE cake.”

The staff was pretty cool. They interrupted a song and played the birthday ditty. Talked about a dramatic entrance by the two of us. The look on Yvonne’s face was PRICELESS.

The lifts in Cuppage Plaza are damn funky can? They seem to be in this mad rush/hurry. The doors closed BEFORE everyone went in. and it was like… barely three seconds? Serene just stood there gaping. Hahaha think she was too stunned to react.

No wonder the gals like to ktv so much. Serene does very good duets with them. Hahaha, she just hogs the guy’s part. *snigger* Ok, shall not be mean.

Alph’s a great excellent singer. That gal is damn talented. When she sang F.I.R’s “Tarot Cards”, my jaws simply hit the floor. Jason was actually wondering if the analog singing was still on. Hugged those varying pitches like how a sports convertible would hug the road at bends. While maintaining top speed all the way.

WOW! Challenging songs ain’t any kick to that lass. And to think she was so worried about her audition a few months back. Sheesh. Really don’t see any competition man.

Had supper at Geylang too. Bull frog porridge. *thumbs up*

Pity didn't get to talk to her much.

Shall post the photos soon. *winks*

Why am I always at a loss as to what to say whenever I see her?


p.s. she liked her belated pressie! yay!

10 Speed (Of God’s Blood & Burial) by Coheed & Cambria

I can feel it in the way your blood and heart beats
My body's cold and it thinks I'm already gone
Or is it in the way your body moves
I'd like to tell you
But I think that you already know
The words I drag out from your mouth speak
So listen up world, listen up world
In her vision I have given company
They see no evil in leading their bodies from home

Believer, you'll leave her, in leaving them all
No but I don't buy it
Like anything you do, as anyone you are
Ten Speed, if I must... then I must

XXXXXXXX

The council is in session.

Believer! Oh what have you done?
You feel she’s never there, you feel that she’s not much fun.

Believer! Oh Why the look on your face?
You wish that she’ll just leave, so you can take her place…

She never cares (You think). She’s never there (You think)
So as a friend, you show him you really really care.

Eager to prove your worth, around him you dance and swirl.
So as you spin, and twirl and whirl
And as no one else could get close.
You smile, you gloat and you smirk.

But foolish believer! The enemy is within.
Blinded to think other dancers wants his blood.
When actually she sits firm still in his heart.

So as you spin, and hem and haw.
Thin white line sets your jaw.
As you happily do your dance,
When all is it but a silly prance.

You pick up speed and crash into her.
Hoping to dislodge her from the throne in his heart.
You’re not bothered. “It must be right!”

Ahhh.
The council smirks.
Remember a time not too long ago?
When you yourself have a guy on your throne?
When you gave all ten-but-two of your golden dinahs just to see him smile.

The council smirks. The council knows. The council willed it so.
“Guilty!” they hissed.
“Off with her head!” they pounded on the table.

The jury nods.
The jury secretly wished that a time not too long ago,
He left, because you’re not good enough for him.
The jury wished that he left because someone came and pranced.
Pranced and got away.

XXXXXXXX

Woke up at 4 and scribbled this on a piece of paper. This is what I could made out of the scribbling the morning after.

Are you the council? Are you the jury? Are you one of the dancers that got turned away by her? Are you HER? Need a her be female? Can a certain him be a her? Does IT matter?

Sick

My friend, Bren’s feeling a lil under the weather.

I hope she gets well soon.

To The Point

Sandra said the “old” Mike’s coming back again.

Timely warning. Much as I am not ashamed of my foul temper, I am equally proud of my ability to keep it in check.

“Huh?” I hear you say…. “Didn’t you just flare at a classmate lately?”

Yah, but trust me, that’s already “in check”. Nothing wrong with having a temper if you ask me. It’s the same as the biting-cold winds. Keeps you on your toes. Makes you alert.

Anyway, as Sandra was saying. The ole me was emerging again. She’s right. Felt as though I’m losing my grip lately. Was so angry I could just smash someone’s head into tables. Was so angry at the helplessness of it all. Was angry for feeling what I told myself never to feel. Was so angry that I wasn’t in control.

Ironic isn’t it? Losing control over feeling not in control. Haha.

Am grateful for Sandra. Think we’ve grown so close over the years that… I can imagine her exact facial expression as I read her msgs.

I “saw” how her face went when she went,

“erm. obviously XXX being attached doesn't bother YYY.”

I laughed.

And suddenly I wasn’t angry anymore.

Thank God for my little pertinent voice of reason- Sandra.

Why do I keep feeling what I told myself not to feel?

FeFe

FeFe's special. FeFe's my first NUS friend.

Guess what? I'm her first NUS friend too.

Check out her blog won't ya?

Strong Stuff Comes In Small Packages

My lil sister never ceases to amaze me.

I love her. Her resoluteness when it comes to handling difficult situations. Her maturity, her tact and her clear-headedness.

Despite me wanting to watch her back all the time, she always reminds me through lil actions of hers that she is strong. Reminds me of Red bull. Potent stuff really does comes in small packages.

She’s right, dun ever play waiting games with her. You’ll lose.

She really kept to her one year vow. How many of us can do that?

I keep wanting to protect her. But I think I need more help than she does. Pity her strength and maturity dun run in the “family”.

For once, I would like to know what I want. For sure….

Am I A Man of Many Faces? The Mask I Wear Is One…

Miss D is right.

I tried denying it. But Miss D is right.

It is a tenuous masquerade.

This masquerade is getting older.
Say your lines but do you feel them?
Do you mean what you say when there's no one around?

It’s just a staged play where forced civility is acted out daily. We know… yet we chose to ignore it. A stalemate of knowledge…

We know… yet we choose to adhere to this unspoken truce.

I shouldn’t. Buy I do anyway.

Who Dares Drink To Me?

Brenda’s blog is titled DrunkOnBrandy. I-mei told me the class once laughed that I’m drunk on everything.

I am.

I drink so I can sleep. So I wouldn’t dream.

‘Cause I’m afraid of whom I might see when I dream.

I’m afraid I’ll see you.

I shouldn’t. But I can’t help it.

Society and Our Idiosyncrasies

Read the latest entry of a friend. What she said made sense. I remember talking to Christine, Melodyee and Sandra a while back, regarding the “girls flaunting, guys staring” issue. Hahha.

Well it’s really complex. Much more than just a game of popularity. Girls in skimpy clothes. Why?

Is it a question of comfort? Doubt it. Look at how they have to hold down the front of their shirt, tug at their mini skirt while they walk. So troublesome. Yet they do it all over again when given a chance.

Guys who stare get ticked off. But hey, if u flaunt it, the least I can do is noticed it right? Then the gals say they dun do it for the men. For themselves. Can one be equally confident of her/his sexuality by not confirming to the norms?

Hmmm, does a gal need to be feminine to be successful? Similarly does a guy have to be masculine to be successful?

We say no….. But how many David Gan can the society accept? How many bearded woman do you know?

Humans. Slaves and hypocrites to our own beliefs.

Declaimer: Hey… have nothing against those sexy clothes. Keep em coming. Not complaining. I don’t mind. Winks

Naruwan! Welcome to Taiwan.

Was talking to Nick last night. Heh, kinda told him that it is impossible to totally get over someone. Might get scalped for this, but I firmly believe it’s true.

Was telling him, everyone who comes into your life takes away an indelible part of you. It’s like giving away a petal from the flower. You dun get it back and it stays with the person. What that person does with it, you pretty much have no control over. But the fact remains that you gave a part out.

Similarly, you can never get over someone. Period.

But having the memories of someone, does it change the way you love another? Will it make you love someone less? Don’t think so, the memories of a previous her doesn’t imply that the current her will be less loved.

If you ask me, it just makes you love the current her more

This is so cheesy. Taiwanese serials will be proud of me.

I’m not supposed to care but I can’t help it..

Surprise

I never ceased to be surprised by some of my friends. Just when you thought they’ve forgotten about you. They do the littlest things that make your day.

PEANUT!!! You still checked back?!?! *in awe* Thanks dearie!

Players

“Am I a man with many faces? The mask I wear is one.”

Had a talk with Nick and Bren at clementi macs just now. Loves such talks. It helps me peer into the inner beings of my friends, help me see their pain, their happiness and helps me see…. Them.

I’ve never shun away from such conversations. Like I told them and many of my friends, “One should be in touch with his or her inadequacies.” Laying them out on the table for people to see makes life a bit more bearable. I mean if you’re at peace with yourself, nothing else will be a hurdle. It makes your step lighter. It makes your enemies less able to spring a surprise on you.

I used to say that power is “holding other’s fears in your hands and showing it to them.” I still stand by that statement now. Guess it helps if you wear your fears openly on your sleeves. If you’re fine with that, no one can throw a curve ball at you anymore.

Been thinking about dinner just now, am really glad we had that talk. I guess… it sort of gives them an insight as to the wreck I am. Heh. Something different from the usual crappy ole me. I can’t help but be reminded of Sandra, Sheila and Peanut. They’re the few rare people who know that I am capable of having a serious side. They know that it’s not all about funnies and not all about lame jokes. And perhaps that’s why I hold them closest to my heart.


I don’t know what I want, but I’m beginning to think I might want her.

Open Book

Is everything a baited hook?
And are there locks on all doors?
If you're looking for an open book,
Look no further, I am yours.

Sandra said I looked really grumpy and grouchy today. Am I really such an “open book?” I think I might be a mess. ‘Coz much as people think they can read me easily, I’m sure I have my own hidden issues.

Ahhh… a bit of both extremes. Like Dorian Grey said in “The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen”,

“I’m… complicated.”

Oh yes bear bear, I was grouchy just now. *winks*

I Wonder…

Maybe I do like her.

She makes me smile. Smiles that warm you up all the way from the pit of your tummy to your face.

I can’t recall when was the last time that happened.

A Little, Happy, Stupid Christian

"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." Psalm 46:10

This line popped into my head lately. Wonder why. But looking at it, it’s rather apt.

Come to think of it. I’ve never been angry with the big guy up there. I acknowledge that there are times where I look to the heavens and go, “Why me?” I admit there are times where I felt that he’s being rather unfair.

But I have never been bitter.

Maybe, just maybe, I do KNOW that He is God Almighty. King of heaven and earth. And like Pastor Jervin said today, the one who feeds the sparrows and make them strong. The one who clothes the lilies and make them beautiful.

The one who surrounds me with wonderful people. The one who calms me in times of stress. The one who gave me a simple heart that loves.

However can one be ever angry with such a wonderful God?

Searing Talons Tearing At My Tummy

Just got back from uncle’s wedding dinner. Doubling over in pain now. Think a stray bit of abalone got into my plate.

Am damn allergic to that shit. Funny thing is, I only got allergic to them in secondary school. Doc said it’s an acquired allergy.

What can I say?

I have expensive taste.