Hmmmmm

Friendship always results in Love. Love in Friendship never....

Musings

Rather late. Just got home from class gathering. Reminder to self. Write about,

1. Yifang and what she said about the turnout.
2. The gathering at Lucas.
3. The presents
4. Pool with Lingzhi two days ago.

Ho Ho Ho

Hello people. For those who read my blog, I’ll like to wish you all a merriest of Christmas. Thank you for putting up with me as a friend or as a deranged ranter during the past year. Love you people and rest assured, you’ll always be in my heart.

Yup, so this is Christmas. And I’m home in front of my computer blogging. What a loser right? Just got home from Guard duty. Guess what? The min I entered the house, I saw a card on the table. Fel has sent me a card. It’s lovely! Really cheered me up a great deal. Enclosed is a ticket to a certain drama production. I think… I might actually go… on Boxing Day.

Anyway, read Sheila’s entry on the 20th of December (you can see it too, just click on her name on the right). Well she was saying how Christmas is creeping up on her with none of the usual holiday warmth, as she’s so busy this year to actually take note of Christmas. (All in one breathe) Well, suddenly realized that I feel very differently towards this year’s Christmas too.

Christmas always gets me up (initially); I’ll be ever so excited. Shopping for gifts, calling people up and hollering “Merry Christmas” in a bid to burst their ear drums, walking down town along to hear, see and taste the season. This will probably last two weeks or so until I come to the week of Christmas itself. Then some how, all these cheer and warmth will simply disappear and a certain void will take over.

You’ll come to a point where you realized that there’s only so much shopping you can do, so much treats you can eat to make you feel Christmassy. At the end of the day, will people remember you? Will your gifts end up in the trash a few years down the road? Somehow, you will end up asking yourself if that’s all to Christmas. Yes yes, there’s the usual “family and close friends” part where you’re supposed to spend “more quality time” with. But still, it’s like this brief moment of closeness that will definitely end like, two weeks? Or even less. Then it’s all back to the usual life that we have normally.

It is this time when there’s this sense of void inside. You yearned for someone special to be there to hold your hand, to tussle your hair. To baby you and to share your mug of hot chocolate with extra marshmallow. Yet, somewhere inside, you know and you’re struggling hard to suppress/ deny the fact that even with someone special, you’ll still feel empty all the same.

There you go! So usually when Christmas nears. I feel this emptiness. This sense of non-being. It is dreadful I tell you.

Yet…

I feel so different this year. Like what I told Michelle, I am actually fearful of the approaching (now approached) Christmas. I dunno why, there’s just this sense of dread and panic. She said it could be due to the fact that I placed too much emphasis on Christmas. You know, to find the perfect gift? To make sure everything goes according to plans? To have lotsa company during Christmas? Some of what she said made sense, but I think (and I don’t do this very often) I think… there’s more to it.
Maybe, I just afraid that it’ll be like all other years. That I’ll have to spend the day alone again. Maybe, I’m just being insecure. Maybe, mike is screaming inside of me, screaming out that he is scared, scared that the world will once again pass him by on this special day without making him part of it.

This sucks! And yea… Merry Christmas!

Ready!

Suddenly it doesn’t really matters but what the heck. I’ve got Fang’s gift ready. And I’m ready for the gift exchange too.

Cleo and Sam

Guess what?!?!?! Samantha made it into this month’s issue of Cleo!!! Yup, the Samantha from first three months. It was a Cleo cover girl contest sponsored by M.A.C. Though she didn’t win and make it onto the cover page, there was still a large picture of her inside. Looking good as usual, though Fel and I agreed that her “before” photo looked better. Sportier. She looked too vinyl and artificial in the magazine. A bit like the Anna Sui “Dollish” models.

Tempted to buy the issue.

Sounds Of Colors

Caught the movie with Lingzhi. Headed for JP initially. Guessed what? When we reached there at two on Sunday. The new screening time for ALL movies was at 7 pm. Can you believe that? Wow! It was that crowded.

Went to Westmall instead. The show was pretty alright. All thanks to Tony Leung if you ask me. I prefer the sub plot better (yes there’s a sub plot). It’s more abstract and dreamier. Making it much more romantic. Won’t write abt it here. Won’t do it justice. Pls go catch it yourself.

Walked around a bit and got Ming’s present! (Ssshhhhhhhh!) Then had coffee with Lingzhi, Weinee joined us later. That woman hasn’t changed much. Just that the hair is longer …. DUH… judging from the fact that short hair is mandatory for all females in RVHS.

Actually, come to think of it, all the gals remained pretty much the same. If I have to named some one whose looks changed the most? It’ll have to be Jiahui. She was the only one I had trouble recognizing on the train a few months back.

Haaatchoooo

Went out with Fang today. Haven’t seen that woman in ages too! Planned to catch a movie initially, but nothing good is on. Either that or we’ve seen some of them individually already. So just strolled around Far East, had lunch at Sakura’s.

Never knew shopping at Far East can take you all day. I never took all day throughout the many times I’ve been there. Guess that’s the difference with shopping with gals. They take more time out to look, to compare or even just to walk around. Guys (or just me) just simply go in, get the stuff they want/need and leave before you can say “Viola!”

Bought a shirt, looks rather alright with my new pants. Oh!!! Guess what Fang gave me? Gum balls!!!! Can you believe it? So sweet (pun intended!) of her! Thanks dearie!

Poor Fang’s having a cold. Kept sniffling. Hope she gets well soon man. The class gathering is coming up pretty soon. Don’t want her to miss it because of a stupid cold.

Declaration

It's official! Ming's and Christine's gifts are done and ready!

Reminder to Self

Xmas is coming. Write about it soon. Hopefully tml night, if I’m not going to Peanut’s Bash.

Cleo and Sam

Failure

Retail therapy isn’t very good. I feel so guilty now.

Like piercings, the joy was solely in the process.

Noodles At Three

Was talking online with Fel the other day, all the way till around one in the morning. Went on to bed…. Slept till around three when I got up suddenly. Everything was just a blur.

Can you believe it? Slept for only two hours and I got up to cook instant noodles. Only woke up entirely after the noodle was done. What to do? Eat lah! So sat in front of the TV and started channel surfing. Channel five was showing Touched By An Angel. That episode was about Death or something.

The three angels were organizing a cell group, which they opened to the public. Ran an ad in the papers, which went “Are you ready? Are you accountable for the last day of your life?”

Somehow that statement stuck, was pondering over it all the while the show was on. I was just sitting there thinking, not paying attention to the TV at all. Wasn’t long before I fell asleep though, left the noodles untouched. Woke up at five again to clear up before going back to camp.

Kinda creepy know… it’s like I was yanked straight out of bed and forced to think abt such stuff at two in the morning. If you asked me, it has to be more than a coincidence. I dunno, it’s like I’m not trying to religious-ize everything. But all these events (bird poo, noodles and palm frond)? It’s kinda scary.

What’s the big guy up there trying to tell me? Is it a hint that I should sit down and think about my life? Is my time due? Rather perturbing with my back and more (they did a check up on us recently and… let’s just say that something is not good)

See! Ignorance is bliss! Now I’m getting all paranoid.

Haiz then again, maybe it is a chance to reflect on myself and think about what’s to come. Maybe He’s telling me that I can’t go on hearing only what I WANT to, maybe He’s telling me that I can’t just luff everything off. Maybe He dropped all those stuff on my head to wake me up, to ask me to be more serious.

Maybe… Just maybe… I’m dying.

Maggi mee at Three

Reminder to myself. I will write about my “sleepwalking” incident soon.

Bulge

Went back to CGH today for my MRI results. Bummer! I have a protruding disc cartilage at my fifth lumbar (huh?) joint. The good thing is it’s not pressing against the nerves… Yet. The bad news? It’s pressing hard against my back ligament, explaining the pain all these while. What really did it was, it’s a degenerative problem. Damn!

Why me?

Blew it all away

When the going gets tough, the tough goes shopping.

Yea just got moi pay and with the depressed mood from the hospital incident. Mike went shopping today. With mommy in tow.

I actually blew hundred plus bucks on a pair of shoes from Rockport. Bought a pair of pants from U2. Basket! My waist… it went down three size BUT I still have to buy the larger size. Thighs lah, thighs! *Grumbles grumbles*

Pop over to Kino after that. Mommy’s turn to be lost. She’s never been there before. Her idea of the bookshop never got beyond that of Poplar, EPB and The Big Bookshop. Hahaha Told me she can now understand how it is possible for me to spend the whole day at the “bookshop”. Used to think I used that as a lousy excuse for some other activities or something.

Bought some stuff too. Bought Prey by Michael Crichton and The Journals Of Kurt Cobain! Yay! Merry Xmas to mike! You bought yourself so many xmas gifts today! Hahaha.

Promise you won’t luff, but I bought a piece of rock too. It’s special.

Shelved

Got my bills today. In addition to the spree this afternoon, Rockport and all…. I hereby announced that the original plan to get the Braun Buffel wallet before Xmas will have to be shelved. Hopefully, I can still get to work on the new pair of specs though.

Loud!

Was discussing music with Jiahui the other day… Well, I told her that Chinese music is always about love, unrequited love, heartache and longing for someone. She on the other hand, says that rock music is loud and full of angst. Hahaha now that’s not true ok? I fell that diff bands portray diff emotions… Yes they might be singing about the same thing, same topic but… Their tone, their voice their intentions… They can be so different. So unique.

The Offsprings – If you ask me? They’re just concerned with making as much noise as possible. Nuthin more.

Weezer - Nerd Band. All their songs give a very pop wannabe feeling. It sounds like they record straight out of a basement garage.

Nirvana – Kurt Cobain rocks! From his music, you can feel him totaling wasting away on drugs, helpless that his music is being robbed from him. It’s like he doesn’t give a hoot anymore. Absolute detachment.

KISS – pure marketing whiz

Bon Jovi – Need to find himself. Blur between cowboy singing and rock music.

The World Came Crashing

Yeowch! Guess what? I was outside my office with my buddy David and our boss Andy doing fatigue duty when…. An entire palm frond fell on my head. Damn painful I tell you, and the tree was an old tree that was at least a good 6 stories tall. Can you imagine the height? The tree so huge that you can barely hug it… Can you imagine the size of the frond? I can’t believe how unlucky I am! Three person, walking to and fro under the palm tree countless times the entire day and it had to land on ME.

According to my boss, he saw it falling and hollered at me. And I just stood there like an idiot instead of diving for cover. Hey, can’t blame me right? How often does palm fronds fall? On people’s head at that! But I swear I heard it coming. The swishing and swooshing of the leaves as it came down. All I could do was brace for impact by tensing and trying to tuck my head in. Haiz. Think I got some small cuts cos it stung when I shampooed my hair that evening.

Bala was teasing me non-stop. It was only a few weeks back when a bird decided to dump its load on me. The two of us were walking back to camp when I was poo-ed. Yup and it wasn’t the usual kind. It was the runny, watery kind. And there was A LOT! Picture bird poo running down from my shirt onto my jeans. There you have it. Bird poo on mike. Totally unimaginable. I have someone else beside me and the bird have eyes for me only! Damn! Maybe I’m really a nature magnet like JH said.

Anyway, what Bala said was…. “Bird shit? One in a thousand. Palm frond? One in two thousand. Palm frond AFTER bird shit? One of a kind….”

I hate him sometimes. :)

Fel said that maybe God was trying to get my attention. I dunno man. That statement kinda stuck… had a good long talk with Sandra. She kinda agreed that it was too much of a coincidence and mentioned maybe I should try going for service soon. Fel mentioned that now’s a good time to start because many churches have Xmas programs lined up to cater to non-Christians. Bad as it might sound, I turned down quite some invitations. Melvin and Fel both asked me to go for the City Harvest Drama production. Mrs. Tan asked me to join her for service. Ivy asked me over for her church’s morning service and then lunch on Xmas day. All of these, I turned down. Some I can’t make it due to camp commitments, others… Well it just didn’t feel right.

Nonetheless, I’m very grateful that these people asked. Always good to know that you’re on the mind of others during this festive season. Really appreciate you guys.

I’m not very into church activity. Like Sandra mei said. It’s not that I’m not religious, for me, it’s a question as to which God it is. We were talking abt this issue when I finally arrived at the answer.

I’m just scared.

I’m just scared that if I go more often. He might reveal himself to me as The One. And I don’t think I can deal with that… it’s like…. I’m the eldest and there’s… there’s some filial duties expected of me. *Touch wood touch wood*

It’s like… Argh! We are talking about more than just me here. I know how they say that you have to be true to your own heart, let’s face it, wanting to do that is one issue; actually going about doing that is another. How often in REAL life can we do that?

Another thing brought up was that if He should the one. I can salvage my family members by directing them to him. Sigh, why is it that it is so hard for them to see that others may be just as steadfast in their religion? I dunno… I’m just scared, confused and puzzled.

It is just not possible for me to pour and give my undying devotion to God just like that, in a snap, instantaneously. All I can say is…. Give me more time. Please.

Weird? Not!

I think….
1) French fries and Vanilla ice cream goes well together
2) Bbq sauce and Fillet O Fish is heavenly

So quit staring and try. You’re missing out on a lot.

You Spin Me Right Round

Hung out with the guys last night at Chevrons. Bowled a couple of games. Has been such a long time since I last bowled. Score line was total crap. Imagine a highest score of only. Sheesh. Shame of me to even think about it.

Grabbed some drinks at the disco. Someone ordered a bottle of tequila. It’s crazy I tell you. Have never been so high in my life. One step short of toppling into the abyss of drunkenness. Never knew it could take so much effort just to walk straight. I remember making a conscious effort repeating to myself that I have to walk straight. And that I will not fall asleep before reaching my bunk.

Am proud that I din cause any one any trouble. Won’t be doing this kinda shit anytime soon I hope. It’s not good for the body I tell you.

But hell! It FELT good while it lasted.

Reminder to Oneself

Rather late. Here’s a reminder as to what I’ll write soon.

1. God trying to get my attention
2. Muzak and Jiahui
3. Trying too hard to be another me
4. On the minds of others during Xmas

Shopping

Went out with Lingzhi over the weekend. Haven’t seen the woman in ages. Since Jc I think. Went all the way down to Junction Eight Bishan.

Caught Brother Bear. It was pretty good really. Though the two of us were probably the two oldest kids in the entire theater. Bro Bear was rather sad towards the end. Swore I saw her tearing. Just let her be. I have no idea how to deal with that. Oh… but I’ll recommend you peeps catch it on a weekday when it’s cheaper. Walked around a bit there. The place’s rather compact. With a healthy human traffic volume.

Bought Peanut’s Xmas pressie there. Will let you in on it when Xmas is over. Surprise… Duh….

Went on over to Bugis from there. Grabbed two books from Kino. Thank goodness for the twenty percent discount voucher. Got The Happy Prince & Other Stories and Lord Arthur Savile’s Crime & Other Stories. Both by Oscar Wilde. Pretty good read. Done with them already. He’s absolutely remarkable.

Am going to get The Journals of Kurt Cobain soon. An Xmas gift for myself.

Apple & Nirvana

Check these lyrics out! Been listening to these two songs over and over again. Rather conflicting emotions we’re dealing with her. Conflicting but intense nonetheless.

The Child Is Gone Fiona Apple

Darling, give me your absence tonight
Take the shade from the canvas and leave me the white
Let me sink in the silence that echoes inside
And don't bother leaving the light on
'Cuz I suddenly feel like a different person
From the roots of my soul come a gentle coercion
And I ran my hand o'er a strange inversion
A vacancy that just did not belong
The child is gone

Honey help me out of this mess
I'm a stranger to myself
But don't reach for me, I'm too far away
I don't wanna talk 'cuz there's nothing left to say
So my
Darling, give me your absence tonight
Take all of your sympathy and leave it outside
'Cuz there's no kind of loving that can make this all right
I'm trying to find a place I belong
And I suddenly feel like a different person
From the roots of my soul come a gentle coercion
And I ran my hand over a strange inversion
As the darkness turns into the dawn
The child is gone


Been A Son Nirvana

She should have stayed away from friends
She should have had more time to spend
She should have died when she was born
She should have worn the crown of thorns
She should have been a son
She should have stood out in the crowd
She should have made her mother proud
She should have fallen on her stance
She should have had another chance
She should have been a son

Depressing but delectable at the same time. These music are so appealing to me recently. So sad, so angry.

Bore

Life's pretty unhappening these days. Nothing worth mentioning has happened. Just going to announced that I'm $280 richer this month cause I'm doing duty for others. Namely on the 24th (yes i know it's Xmas eve) and the 28th.

Heck, no commitments, no gal friend. So why not? Think of what you can get for $280!

Should I?

Do you think.... I should ask her out?

Knife Party

Knife Party by Deftones plays on repeat in background.

“I wondered about what would make me kill. Could anyone do this, in the right circumstances? Or is it a particular type of person? Because I know I’ve been angry, and destructive, even towards people I love. It’s always someone you love isn’t it?”

Found that quote in the papers a long time ago. Was surprised that I actually remembered it after so long. Some songs really have a weird mysterious way of jolting one’s memories huh? Anyway, this quote reminds me of a dream I had a while back. It has been a while since I had those weird dreams. I’m relieved but at the same time, there’s a part of me that misses those cryptic, macabre dreams/nightmares of mine.

Enuff with the civilities. I’m reminded about this dream I had after celebrating Sheila’s birthday. We were talking about how she wanted to get a steak knife and fork as a gift to commemorate a significant date between her boyfriend and her. Guess what? I had that dream right that night…..

We were just sitting at Dan Ryan’s, in one of the booth. Just like how we did earlier that same afternoon. Except this time round, we were having steak instead. I remembered teaching her (to her amusement) how to test how well the steak is done. It involves pressing your fore finger on other fingers and testing the hardness of the ball of your thumb against the hardness of the steak. I digressed…

We were just eating and chatting when a sudden awkward silence took over the entire restaurant. With that haunting silence, I found myself pressing my steak knife against her fair cheek. Strangely, there was no screaming, no struggling. She was just staring at me… defiantly. Those beady eyes of hers, daring me to press the knife down, to push the steel into her warm flesh.

And I did just that, slowly.

I remember vividly the acute depression forming and growing on her cheek as I slowly applied more and more pressure. Deeper and deeper it grows until… until her skin finally broke.

Her skin broke and the knife slid in…. Sustaining the depression. That dimple… with a steak knife in the middle of it… it looks so scary, yet the strangeness of it makes you want to look at it more. It would have been a comical scene if not for her eyes.

Her eyes were staring, glassy and wide.

Petrified and scared, yet defiant and angry at the same time.

Hoping that I’ll stop yet challenging me to go on.

I did. I began to saw the blade in. Slowly and deliberately, a sea sawing motion from the center of her cheek outwards to the edge of her mouth.

Blood didn’t spurt out. Instead thick syrupy ruby red blood ooze out slowly, they trickle down the blade, entwined on my arms forming larger trickles, which gathered at my elbow and dripped onto my steak.

Somehow, it wasn’t violent like other dreams of mine. It’s almost… artistic.

More Garbage

You guys have got to listen to Cherry Lips by Garbage. It sounds so psychedelic and funky! That song has been stuck in my head for weeks already. Has a bit of retro disco pop to it. Think Kylie Minogue combined with usual Garbage electronic funk.

Argh … just do download it! Go baby go go!

Close Contender

Ladies and gentlemen, I have finally come across something that could displace the Candy Cane as my favorite Xmassy treat. Have you all tried the sinful, indulgent, warmth giving chocolate covered marshmallow bell from Hershey?

It’s devilishly delicious, I tell you. Marshmallow has always been one of my fave candy… combine it with creamy choc. Heaven on earth man… You’ve got to try it. Need to tell Sheila. Hahaha and Ming too!

Coffin of Light

Just got back from Changi General Hospital. Went there to get a MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) done for my back. Results will be out in two weeks. Wish me luck, hope it isn’t serious…

Anyway, the experience was rather unnerving. I’ve never been known to be claustrophobic. Guess there’s a first time for everything. I freaked out inside. Ironic as it may sound, I felt really exposed in that small chamber. The “tunnel” was so small, and the bright white light inside? I panicked the minute they slid me in. The feeling of cold steel against your back, the humming of the giant piece of equipment, the glaring white lights…. Maybe that’s how it feels inside a coffin. And this, a coffin of light.

Hope I’ll not have to go through the same thing again.

Pure Garbage

Androgyny

When everything is going wrong
And you can't see the point in going on
Well nothing in life is set in stone
There's nothing that can't be turned around

Nobody wants to feel alone
And everybody wants to love someone
Out of the tree go pick a plum
Why can't we all just get along?